With the advent of Proposition 8 being overturned yesterday, I swore I wasn’t going to follow the pack and blog about it incessantly, but because I am a person of weak character, I caved pretty easily. But this rant isn’t really about Prop 8 specifically, so I’m still able to maintain a modicum of my dignity.

I was told recently that if I don’t want someone to get up on a soapbox about something,  I shouldn’t provide the materials to build one. A very wise statement indeed. However, this time, I brought some nice hardwood 2×4’s, a can of fabulous chartreuse paint, and my Bedazzler. This is going to be one damn cute soapbox.

Because I love to try and anticipate my readers’ inner thoughts, I’m sure you’re saying, “Jesus, Mike. Build your fucking soapbox and quit talking.” So I’ll get right to my ranting.

If you’ve ever listened to anyone who is opposed to gay marriage talk about the issue, I’m sure you have probably heard their, uh, “arguments” against the issue. So, here I will list my favorite ones, and explain why each of them is completely idiotic.

Exhibit A: “If “The Gays” (I love the blatant use of the word ‘the’ in front of ‘gays’. I especially love it when they capitalize it. Feeds into my Napoleon complex.) are allowed  to marry, what’s next? People marrying animals? Adults marrying children? Britney Spears re-marrying Kevin Federline? Where do we draw the line? I don’t have time to wait for you to respond! I’m late for Sacrament Meeting!”

This one is one of my favorites to respond to, because common sense is the only thing that’s needed to spray this argument with fecal matter. Gay couples getting married cannot in any way be compared to bestiality, paedophilia, or Britney Spears. Why? Because dogs, cats, goats, fish, cows, horses, children and Kevin Federline cannot sign legally binding contracts. And Britney Spears is normal again thanks to the fine folks at Merck Pharmaceuticals, so chances are she’d never want to get back with KF anyway.  With gay marriage, we’re talking about two consenting adults signing a legal contract. This is basic stuff, people. We aren’t asking to bend the law to allow us to marry our Yorkies. We aren’t demanding the right to go to elementary schools to get down on one knee and propose to a 6-year-old. We aren’t members of NAMBLA for chrissakes.

Exhibit B: “Well, if The Gays (yay!) are allowed to marry, the human population will become extinct! All the Churches will be replaced with Gold’s Gyms!”

I addressed this one in my last entry, but because of  its sheer stupidity,  the topic clearly bears further discussion. This is yet another argument that only requires a teensy-tinsy bit of common sense to relegate it to the You’re In Permanent Time-Out Because You’re A Retard pile. Allowing gay couples to marry in no way increases the number of gay people in a given population. Marriage or not, gay people are still going to be gay, straight people will continue to ogle and boink the opposite sex…unless they’re drunk, in which case, the gender of their chosen sexual partner may become a bit…erm…squidgy.  Heterosexuals and homosexuals alike will continue pushing both hetero and homo children into existence at the same rate as before.  Gay marriage will not infect heterosexual uteri with some glitter-slathered hormone that causes all their children to push out of the womb as butch lezzies or Nathan-Lane-In-The-Birdcage-esque fairy-boys. Just because we (The Gays) are given the 1,138 legal rights afforded to married heterosexual couples doesn’t mean there’s going to be a giant 5000-foot-high drag queen in enormous Jimmy Choo knockoffs marching into downtown Large City, USA gobbling up all the straight people and shitting out shiny new fagbots to take over and begin decorating and doing hair. Although it would be cool, we’re not going to replace the Statue of Liberty with a gargantuan metal edifice of Ellen DeGeneres (although, again, it would kick quite a lot of ass if someone made such a statue).

Exhibit C: “If The Gays can get married, the sanctity of traditional marriage will be destroyed!”

I have yet to discuss this argument with anyone who supports it who is able to back this up with any kind of logic other than “it just will.”  First off, I think the breeders (notice my lack of capital letters here) are doing a pretty damn good job of destroying their own marriages. They don’t need our help to accomplish that. Drive-Thru Marriages, Drive-Thru Divorces… how on earth is that sacrosanct? 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Yes, this even includes Mormon marriages. Just because you are a man married to a woman, or vice versa, your marriage is not immune to destruction. And believe me, the homos aren’t the ones destroying it.

Also, the whole “traditional” marriage semantics thing really gives me an epic wedgie. Since when has accepting every status quo been a good thing? America has always been such an innovative and forward-thinking country, ever since its inception in the 18th century. The only thing holding us back from being The He-Man Of The World is the fact that at heart, we are still a nation of Puritans, and because of this, no matter WHAT the Constitution says about a separation of church and state, religion still has the ultimate control.  Religion, for some baffling reason, gets to decide what is or isn’t moral when it comes to legislation.

Exhibit D: “The Bible says Homosexuality is an abomination. God says being gay is wrong.”

Well…The Bible says a lot of things, none of which are even remotely clear and most of which are grossly irrelevant in this day and age. There are so many archaic “laws” in this book that seem to be conveniently forgotten, EXCEPT that pesky one in Leviticus that people love to gurdge up to try and support being anti-gay. Well, Leviticus commands that we stone whores to death (throwing rocks at hookers is just mean).  Leviticus says you shouldn’t mix fibers in your clothing (better throw away that heinous poly-blend track suit hanging up in your closet or you’ll end up on your knees in hell giving Satan head). Leviticus says eating shellfish is an abomination (I ran into the bishop of my old ward shoving a lobster tail in his mouth at McGrath’s Fish House. Guess he’s going to be roasting in hell right along with all us fags). These so-called “commandments” are so quickly discarded by Bible-Thumping-Trailer-Trash who love to quote scripture all the time.  Oh! I also love the folks that quote Leviticus 18:22 (“You shall not lie with a man as with a woman. It is an abomination.”) and Leviticus 20:13 (“If a man lie with a man as he would with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination.They shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them.”) as many times a day as possible, but when they are challenged that that particular scripture is outdated and archaic, they throw out that there is now a Higher Law that Ivana Trumps Mosaic law.

So tell me, O Ye Righteous, where in the New Testament does it say anything about homosexuality? When did Jesus ever wander the streets of Jerusalem brandishing a “God Hates Fags!” posterboard?  Oh, you can’t right now? Oh, that’s right, I forgot. It’s fast-offering time. Okay, I can wait until you’re done. What? You have Missionary Splits later? Well slap (or stone) the ho and call her Ponteequa. If this Higher Law is now the one that everyone should follow, doesn’t that automatically negate Leviticus 18:22? “But Mike, you don’t understand! The people that wrote The Bible must have had short-term amnesia and just forgot to include Abomifags in the New Testament! Matthew, Mark, Luke and John were busy guys!” Right. You sure put ME in my place.

So there you have it. Just a small sampling of the common arguments I hear day in and day out explaining why gay marriage is wicked and will be the downfall of society as we know it. Well, you know, I think Society-As-We-Know-It is due for a downfall. Or a least a good haircut and a shave. If we always sat back and just accepted The Way Things Are, nothing would ever change, and we’d still all dress like pilgrims, and none of us would have iPhones. And I’m sorry, I refuse to dress like a pilgrim and be denied my iPhone. That would be an abomination.