{"id":7,"date":"2010-08-06T23:04:30","date_gmt":"2010-08-07T05:04:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/exmohomo.com\/?p=7"},"modified":"2010-08-10T10:05:15","modified_gmt":"2010-08-10T16:05:15","slug":"the-antichrist-a-treatise","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/exmohomo.com\/?p=7","title":{"rendered":"The Antichrist: A Treatise"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

Nostradamus has nothing on me.<\/p>\n

Don’t get me wrong, Nostradamus was a pretty cool guy. Sure, he was unfashionably cryptic, and had that beard that small children could get lost in, but still…he was a pretty alright guy from my estimations.<\/p>\n

In the past few days, I have come face-to-face with the true meaning of the Beginning of the Apocalypse. Yes, people. The time of reckoning is at hand. The Seals are being blown open (haha, I said “blow”), the\u00a0Four Horsemen are putting the finishing touches on their makeup.\u00a0The world is turning upside down and now that things have been put in motion, there is no going back. We’re fucked.<\/p>\n

I woke up yesterday morning and began my Getting Ready For The Day ritual as normal. Got up, had a smoke and sat on the toilet to read the news on my iPhone. As a gay man, it is in my very nature to be drawn to celebrity gossip. Maybe the scientists that are researching the so-called “gay gene” will be able to identify the DNA strand or\u00a0hormone that causes gay men to lie awake at night pondering\u00a0 The Real Housewives of Atlanta, or whether Jennifer Lopez will be the next American Idol judge. Consequently,\u00a0the first app I generally open up while I’m on ths shitter is E! Online. On this seemingly innocuous Monday morning, there was no way I could have\u00a0prepared myself for what I would see. Thank God I was on the toilet at the time, or I would have had a rather horrific mess on my hands…and in my boxer briefs.<\/p>\n

But I digress. Whilst (I love this word)\u00a0sifting through the\u00a01200-some-odd stories about La Lohan and her ridiculously short time in jail,\u00a0during which time I\u00a0really have to hope that she was repeatedly violated with a toilet brush handle\u00a0by her cellmate named Mildred,\u00a0I came face-to-face with yet another news story about the One Who Will Bring Down Humanity And Cause Small Children To Wet Their Pants And Scrub Their Eyeballs With Clorox:<\/p>\n

Justin Beiber.<\/p>\n

Now, Justin and I have always had a hate\/hate relationship. I hate him, and I hate him. Many nights I have lain awake in bed attempting to telepath all manner of plague-like diseases toward him. You know, the usual: oral gonorrhea, anal herpes, necrotizing fasciitis…those kinds of things. Don’t tell me you’ve never wished the same thing. You’d be lying if you told me you never secretly wanted to witness Justin’s flesh rotting off his 12-year-old-girl body revealing the putrid soul that lies underneath. And liars go to hell.<\/p>\n

Anysnork. After\u00a0gagging through\u00a0what I read on my beloved E! app, I can’t fuck around with telepathic plagues\u00a0anymore.\u00a0\u00a0The time has come for full-on apocalyptic warfare. I’m cinching up my\u00a0corset and donning my metal brassiere.\u00a0This time, the little fucker crossed a line.<\/p>\n

Justin Beiber (I refuse to pronounce his last name correctly as “BEEber”, to me he will always be BYber) has penned a memoir. A MEMOIR. My bowels are turning to liquid even as I type out that sentence. Let’s analyze this for just a minute.<\/p>\n

The twerp is sixteen years old. Sure, he has become a tween wet-dream almost overnight, but what about that would warrant an entire book? How many pages could possibly be filled by tales of a talentless, hilariously androgynous teenager who sports what could very well be dubbed the single worst celebrity haircut in Hollywood history, and that includes Bravo’s “Top Design” judge Kelly Worstler? If you don’t know who she is, stop reading this immediately and Google her. I’ll wait while you do that.<\/p>\n

Sufficiently horrified? Me, too. So, back to the Beiber. I have so many nagging\u00a0questions. First,\u00a0 why does this syphilitic\u00a0vaginal wart have a career? What is it about him that makes young girls and sexually confused boys squeal like\u00a0mongeese (is this the plural for mongoose? Hmmm.)\u00a0in heat whenever his name is mentioned? What made him wake up one morning and decide he was relevant and important enough to chronicle his\u00a0life in a book?<\/p>\n

But, dear reader, this is only the beginning of the horror. “What??” I can hear you screaming, “How in the name of Candied Yams could the world be such a bleak and desolate place to allow such a thing?? I am this close to cowering in a corner and eating my own feces!!!!!!!” Reader, prepare thyself. Wield your rosaries and clutch your Bibles (BIBLES not BEIBERS).<\/p>\n

The blissfully ignorant executives at Paramount Pictures have greenlighted…wait for it…A MOVIE ADAPTATION OF THE NECRONOMICON THAT IS JUSTIN BEIBER’S MEMOIR. And not just any movie adaptation. A 3D MOVIE ADAPTATION. Do I have your attention? Do you grasp the seriousness of this situation? Not only will the Hallowed Shelves of Barnes and Noble be desecrated with the gooey, pus-filled atrocity that is JB’s memoir, now, unsuspecting moviegoers will\u00a0shell out\u00a0$10.50 a ticket at the local Hoptoogieplex to commune with the Infernal Imp in three dimensions. People, this is like an addition to the “Saw” franchise but with far deadlier implications.<\/p>\n

I cannot be clearer: Justin Beiber doesn’t deserve TWO D’s, let alone THREE. The only D he should be allowed to experience is the final D: Death. As in decaying corpse, exploding abdomen, anal leaking, Final Destination-style, Ceasing-To-Exist Putrefaction.<\/p>\n

Yea, the Day of Judgment is drawing nigh. The time for action is now. We cannot, nay, we MUST not tarry long.\u00a0 The Armies of Righteousness must gird their loins and gather at the Place of….Something…and bring the Dark One to justice. Blood must be spilt. Bowels must be Emptied. For when the\u00a0Two Testicles\u00a0drop…it will be too late.<\/p>\n

Ah-men.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Nostradamus has nothing on me. Don’t get me wrong, Nostradamus was a pretty cool guy. Sure, he was unfashionably cryptic, and had that beard that small children could get lost in, but still…he was a pretty alright guy from my estimations. In the past few days, I have come face-to-face with the true meaning of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-celebrity-trash","category-rants"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/exmohomo.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/exmohomo.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/exmohomo.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/exmohomo.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/exmohomo.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/exmohomo.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":41,"href":"https:\/\/exmohomo.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7\/revisions\/41"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/exmohomo.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/exmohomo.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/exmohomo.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}