I posted this blog on MySpace a couple years ago, but figured I’d share it here, too.

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I sit here with so many different emotions running through me. Sadness, anxiety, rage, confusion, fear, frustration; but also, hope. All of these emotions for someone I never had the pleasure to meet. 

I came across a website about a year ago, (www.affirmation.org) which is an organization of GLBT Mormons. The site is very informative and I hadn’t visited the site in quite awhile so I thought I would see what was new.

My readings brought me back to the page dedicated to the life and death of  Stuart Matis, a very devout Mormon who struggled his whole life with being gay. This struggle culminated in him committing suicide on the steps of a stake center building at the age of 32. His story is so inexplicably sad, there is little to stop tears running down my face. 

The more I read about Stuart’s life and death, the angrier I become, because Stuart’s suicide could have been prevented. The LDS church claims “divine revelation” in all of the decisions they make, and all the causes they support. Through all that’s been written about Stuart and his life, one thing remains constant: a lot of the internal struggle he felt had to do with California’s Prop. 22, which, if passed, would prevent gay and lesbian couples from legally marrying in the state of California. The LDS church strongly supported Prop. 22, also called The Knight Initiative, and urged bishops in every ward to implore the members to give their time and money to support this legislation, citing “divine revelation” ad nauseum. 

Now, I may not have ever spoken with God directly, at least not in this life, but I know with certainty that He wouldn’t, and doesn’t, support hate in any form. The basis of God’s law is love. Not conditional love. Not love between only a man and a woman. Not “love thy neighbor as thyself…unless thy neighbor happens to be a man who likes other men…” No. Just love, pure and simple. The fact that Stuart viewed the Church’s support of this proposition as God’s way of cementing that He doesn’t approve of homosexuality I think was the last straw for him. He saw no more hope left, because, again, if the Church supports a certain piece of legislature, by extension it must be supported by God.

Stuart believed in God. He loved God. His downfall was placing all of his trust in an organization that is run by humans. Humans, by nature, are fallible…even ones that claim they walk and talk with God. I believe if Stuart had placed just a little more faith in himself and his real relationship with God, he would still be alive today. 

As a gay lapsed LDS church member, I have been privy to the war that was raging inside Stuart’s heart, head and spirit; the war between God and personal identity; an internal civil war that is waged until the day we die – a war that can only result in one casualty. I have walked through a lot of the same darkness and helplessness, searching for an answer that just won’t come. Whether or not Stuart is stronger than me, or weaker, who can rightly say? One main difference exists: Stuart remained celibate and alone, which is the Church’s stock answer for its gay and lesbian members.

For a religious organization that is built on the family unit, they deny gay and lesbians just that. Because we cannot marry, we cannot, in the eyes of the Church, have a healthy and loving physical relationship. If we choose to act on the feelings we are having, we are deemed unclean.  Stuart never acted on any of the feelings he was having. He never gave himself the opportunity to experience love with a partner. He could never even have the opportunity to experience loving himself because of the rhetoric that the Church spouts about “moral cleanliness.” His devotion to the teachings of the church overrode his true self, resulting in dire consequences. Stuart viewed himself and his thoughts as amoral, but still could do nothing to drive them away.  I can only imagine how alone and utterly helpless he must have felt throughout his entire lifetime.

There was a book written by Stuart’s parents after his death that was published by Deseret Book called “In Quiet Desperation.”  In the book, Stuart’s mother, Marilyn, applauds her son for remaining celibate and clean in God’s eyes. She says “Although losing our son was difficult, it has been comforting to know that he was faithful to his temple covenants.” (pg. 20). This statement disturbs me greatly.  Because your son remained “faithful to his temple covenants”, he endured God knows how many years of silent suffering, and finally saw no way out and put a gun to his head on the steps of the church he loved so much.  How can that possibly be comforting? To know your son killed himself because he couldn’t win a battle he should never have been forced to fight?  In his suicide note, Stuart addresses this issue to his family members: “As you know, I have been suicidal for years, and in the past year, I have been vocal about my feelings. After a year of expressing my grief to you, I’ve realized that there is nothing that any of you could do to attenuate my pain. … I simply could not live another day choking on my own feelings of inferiority.”

It seems, though, that Stuart did have at least one ray of hope: his old bishop, Robert Rees, who I know with absolute certainty has been inspired by God.  This man is the definition of what the LDS church claims to stand for. It is evident in a tribute he wrote to Stuart after Stuart’s death. This tribute has affected me more deeply than anything else I have ever read.http://www.affirmation.org/suicide_info/requiem_for_a_gay_mormon.shtml In this tribute, Bishop Rees again quotes Stuart’s suicide note: “My bishop and my father each gave me blessings inspired by the Spirit that proclaimed that I was indeed gay and that I would remain gay.” If that isn’t proof, ladies and gentlemen, I don’t know what is. Unfortunately, even this wasn’t enough to convince Stuart that he was loved and accepted by God no matter what, whether or not he was loved and accepted by the church he so unquestioningly placed his faith in.

I feel like I need to address the LDS church, or rather, its leaders directly here. At what cost do we hold on to our faith in archaic, unsubstantiated beliefs? At what point do we say “I need to follow my heart and love who I choose to love”? How many other wonderful people have to die at their own hands, pushed to the brink by a church that claims to love them? At what time will “divine revelation” come that gays and lesbians are just as worthy of love as heterosexuals are? There is blood on your hands, and surely if you really have divine inspiration from God, you would know that, and do something about it instead of waffling on every word when the subject is brought up publicly. Passive-aggressively supporting hate-mongering legislature instead of addressing the issue directly is doing absolutely nothing to help. You yourselves have admitted that God has never once given you any type of revelation on this issue, and that you don’t pretend to understand it. If that’s the case, how can you possibly say that it’s God’s decree that gays and lesbians are inferior? That we don’t deserve to share our lives with someone because they happen to have the same genitalia as we do ourselves? That God would rather have us die than experience true love? How much longer are we expected to hide in the shadows of faith, placing our complete trust in men that don’t have the slightest idea of what we are going through? How can you, in good conscience, pass judgement on a man like Stuart Matis, who prayed so hard for understanding and relief that, according to accounts of the people that dressed him for burial, were “struck by the sight of his knees, deeply callused from praying for an answer that never came.”?

Fortunately, I don’t think Stuart died in vain. Despite the Church’s response that his suicide should not be “exploited for political purposes”, the fact remains that Stuart himself wanted some good to come from his death. He wanted his death to invoke change. He knew that if something positive could come from his lifelong fight, then on some level,  he had achieved a victory. In his final letter to his family he writes: “Perhaps my death … might become the catalyst for much good. I’m sure that you will now be strengthened in your resolve to teach the members and the leaders regarding the true nature of homosexuality. My life was actually killed many years ago. Your actions might help to save many young people’s lives.”

Although I never met Stuart, I feel like I know him, because his life is a reflection of what I used to feel. It was when I was finally able to let go and understand that no matter who I choose to love, God wants me to be happy, and He is proud of me. I don’t need affirmation from an organization that is run by pompous, ignorant, self-serving men that cannot seem to grasp the concept of the teachings that Jesus died to protect. Only God knows what is truly in my heart, and in the hearts and minds and souls of the hundreds of thousands of gay and lesbian LDS church members for whom every single minute of every single day is a fight. A never-ending struggle between sexuality and spirit.

You did not die in vain, Stuart. I know you are in the presence of God now, basking in the love and acceptance you couldn’t find here on earth. I know that someday, whether in this life or the next, there will be a better understanding of what we all go through on a daily basis. I know your battle is over, and no matter what anyone else says or thinks, you won.